The Adventures of Ivanova, the Nutella Goddess!
by Speaker for the Dead aka 17
Summary: Two kids. One stupid game. More than twenty chapters of insanity about the goddesses Ivanova and Delenn, and how they save the universe over and over. Crossovers with Star Trek, Star Wars, and goodness knows what else. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. :)
1. foreword and episode 1: bye bye bin lade...

**Author's incrediblylonggrandmotherstory foreword:** It was somewhere last year. My family was on vacation in Thailand. My sis and I were bored; we needed something to do to fill up all those long spaces on planes and buses and waiting in hotel rooms. I was newly besotted with B5; I'd never even watched a single episode of the show. My sister? She barely even knew what the series was about. She was 13, I was 18. I had an MTV notebook partially scribbled with Chemistry 'S' notes and I thought it'd be cool to play those incredibly juvenile yet somehow hilarious 10-word challenge games. It started innocently enough: I gave my sister ten rubbishy words and she wrote me this piece of trash involving Delenn's murder of John over a bag of Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans.  
She barely survived my backlash (which mainly consisted of my screaming "POOR DELENN!!!!! POOR JOHN!!!! AAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!" and lots of strangling on my part and lots of choking on hers).  
Several stories later, I hit on the idea of requesting a story about Delenn and Ivanova as goddesses with superpowers going around saving the universe. My sis wrote a bin Laden-bashing flick (the post 911 anti-Osama fever still being prevalent). It was short, it was impossibly ridiculous, it had me in stitches.  
It was downhill all the way from there. The first few are admittedly juvenile and not worth looking at. But somewhere along the line we became bigger B5 fans than we could ever imagine, and, in addition, also got rather carried away with our stories. Their length grew from 10 lines to one whole page to multiple pages. And my latest (and twenty-fifth, in the series) instalment, a tribute to Douglas Adam-- I still can't believe how long it grew to be. Take a guess. Five pages? Ten pages?  
Would you believe twenty?  
*shakes head* Okay, so maybe it's a stretch, putting this series of psuedo-fics in the B5 section, since most of the stories, especially the first ones, have a connection to the series about a monomolecular layer thick, but... well. We did these stories for the series; it seems only appropriate to put them here, although by no stretch of imagination, however flexible, could one even begin to imagine Ivanova and Delenn zipping around on Firebolts and hobnobbing with the likes of Janeway and T'Pol (both Star Trek characters if you didn't know). Yeah. But that's why its a parody, eh?  
So, yeah. Here they are. The first few are, as I have said, the epitome of crappy fic, but once you're past that, the magnum opuses begin (IMHO, of course). The sad thing is, you can't read the last few without reading the ones in front first because they're all linked in a story-arc. Okay. A ridiculous story arc, but a story arc all the same. At least read them and tell us how much you hate them cos it really hurt my eyes (and fingers) trying to transcribe text into digital form.  
Okay. Enough of my incrediblylonggrandmotherstory already. It's not good form to start apologizing for something you haven't even read yet. I'm Taya 17, my sis is the Omni PKYYR. I've edited a lot of my sister's grammar (give the kid a break!), and all my comments in [brackets like these] are just commentary and not part of the story.  
Yeah. And in case you were wondering, to date my sis and I have already watched seven eps of B5. So we're not totally desecrating the series. I think.   
Yeah. Enjoy (or at least, try to!)... and oh yes. How could I forget? *gets down on her knees* Ivanova is always right. I will listen to Ivanova. I will not ignore Ivanova's recommendations. IVANOVA IS GOD. **PRAISE BE TO IVANOVA!!**

Fuschia stockings

The Excalibur

Pink Lionfish

Corrugated zinc roofing

Sheridan cross-dressing

Megatop 747

Holy mountain water

Neon blue "7" sign

  


Barracudas

Extremely Large & Nasty Labrador

  


  
  


[written by the Omni PKYYR]

**The Adventures of the Goddess Ivanova (Part 1):** Bye Bye Bin Laden!

One day Osama bin Laden hijacked a Megatop 747. But... suddenly Delenn and Ivanova appeared in the cockpit with Delenn's pet, an Extremely Large And Nasty Labrador. They revived the pilot and went back on the Excalibur (with bin Laden), where they stuffed him on a corrugated zinc roofing and forced him to wear fuschia stockings with barracudas. They gave him a pink lionfish to keep alive... or they would execute him. Well... they forgot to give him the holy mountain water the fish needed to stay alive. Oops. 

Osama bin Laden was killed at dawn, with a neon blue "7" sign on his back, with crowds screaming "Klegh sogh Klegh" (which means "Die, Seven, Die" in Klingon), while Sheridan was enjoying himself cross-dressing.

  
  


(just don't ask.)


	2. episode 2: the hairpiece debuts

Great White Shark

Beancurd with soya sauce

The Niagara Falls

William Shatner's hairpiece

Trip cross-dressing

A Boeing 777

Johnathan Archer

A Firebolt

  


Goh Chok Tong

Pants on fire

  


  
  


[written by the Omni PKYYR]

**The Adventures of the Goddess Ivanova (Part 2):** The Hairpiece Debuts

One day William Shatner's hairpiece kidnapped Goh Chok Tong after setting Johnathan Archer's pants on fire. It erased Trip's memory, replacing it with Seven of Nine's. Trip wore a tight-fitting catsuit after that. Enraged, the goddess and her sidekick grabbed Firebolts and raced to the Niagara falls. Delenn knew that the hairpiece loved Great White Sharks, so it only ate beancurd with soya sauce. The world was deprived of beancurd by the goddess, except on a Boeing 777 on autopilot, programmed to crash into the Pacific Ocean. Needless to say, William Shatner became bald from then on. 


	3. episode 3: the search for truth continue...

Black Boots

Enterprise NX-01

Tuvok's ears

Galen's Pet Spoo's Pet Spoon

7 of 9 cross-dressing

T'Pol's butt

Max Eilerson

Purple and Pink Elevators

  


Propeller Plane

Antennae

  


  
  


[written by Taya 17]

**The Adventures of the Goddess Ivanova (Part 3):** The Search For Truth Continues! 

A circle with the initial "I" flashed into the dark, tumultous skies. "Look!" exclaimed Delenn, "it's the Ivanova sign-- someone's in trouble!" 

The duo grabbed their Firebolts and raced to the source of the distress signal, along with Delenn's Extremely Large And Nasty Labrador, Galen's Pet Spoo's Pet Spoon (or Spoony for short). Spoony sat on the end of Delenn's Firebolt.

The person who had sent the signal was a distressed little girl who lived in a factory that made Purple and Pink Elevators. She revealed that Max Eilerson, who had been hiding there, had evil plans to destroy the Enterprise NX-01 in a bid to rid the world of T'Pol's butt, whose quantum resonance was the only thing keeping him from universal domination. "We must stop him!" declared Ivanova. "But how?"

"Spoony can track his scent," offered Delenn.

"I know where he went," said the distressed little girl. "The USS Voyager. A man's helping him," she said.

"A man," mused Ivanova.

"Eilerson keeps referring to his help on Voyager as 'he'," said Delenn, flipping through Max's old journal. "Wait... it says here something about Tuvok's ears..."

"Tuvok? He doesn't seem like the kind," said Ivanova.

"You'll never know," said Delenn. "Hmm.... it says here that he'll be using Tuvok's ears as antennae to transmit the spectral frequency that will destroy Enterprise..." She looked up at Ivanova. "According to this journal, we only have three hours before he executes his evil plan!"

"We must hurry, then!" said Ivanova.

They borrowed a propeller plane and imbued it with magical powers so that it could reach Voyager. They formulated a plan: they would stop Tuvok, and hence stop Eilerson.

They landed on Voyager and sought out the security chief. Spoony attacked his privates to distract him so that Ivanova could knock him out. "Mission accomplished!" exclaimed Ivanova.

"No, wait..." said Delenn. "The signal is starting to transmit! We must have gotten the wrong person. Wait, I'm tracking the signal. It's coming from..." she looked up at Ivanova in surprise. "Cargo Bay Two!"

"I should have known!" exclaimed Ivanova. "All these years-- Seven of Nine is actually a cross-dressing man!"

They rushed to Cargo Bay Two and broke in. Eilerson and Seven of Nine were there. Ivanova tossed her magical black boots at Seven of Nine, knocking him out. Delenn beat up Eilerson with her fighting pike. With Spoony's help, they tossed the two out of an airlock and aborted their evil plan.

And so, the day was saved again... by none other than Ivanova, the Nutella Goddess!


	4. episode 4: orange souffle and scandal wo...

Crescent Moon

One slightly pickled chicken frank

Monica Lewinsky

The Cat in the Hat

The Liberation Front Against The Treacherous Use of Bad EFX

The USS Supercallifragilisticexpeallidocious

The Inner Reaches of Spock's Armpit

Orange Souffle

  


50 penguins

Fibbertigibbet!

  


  
  


[written by the Omni PKYYR] 

**The Adventures of the Goddess Ivanova (Part 4):** Orange Souffle and Scandal Women, oh my!

Ivanova sat at her table, with Delenn beside her, with Spoony snacking on a slightly pickled chicken frank.

"I'm bored," groaned Ivanova.

"Me too. Shall we go to a fair?" asked Delenn. Spoony wagged his tail.

"Okay! But... there's none around..."

"There is one at The Inner Reaches Of Spock's Armpit."

"Geez. You mean the one held by The Liberation Front Against The Treacherous Use of Bad EFX?"

"Well... their orange souffle is delicious!"

"Okay... but it's dangerous, isn't it?"

"Of course, or I wouldn't want to go!" They flew off.

At The Inner Reaches of Spock's Armpit...

50 penguins marched in protest against Batman, saying that The Penguin gave them a bad name. Furious, Batman kidnapped all the orange souffle and flew to the White House to share it with Monica Lewinsky.

The goddesses were FURIOUS.

They asked the Cat in the Hat for directions and it said "Fibbertigibbet!"

Delenn said: "That was cat for 'scandal woman'... Lewinsky!"

They got the USS Supercallifragilisticexpeallidocious to fire at the White House.

They flew in. There was some charred orange souffle, and.... A dead Batman and Lewinsky.... and... horrors of all horrors, William Shatner's HAIRPIECE! It had its consciousness stored in Lewinsky!

They shot it and disinfected themselves. But then....

"Did you hear that?"

"I...va...nooooo...va..... I will get you.... some d(gasp)ay...." and with a whoosh something shot away and flew towards the crescent moon.

"Oh well." Delenn said. "We'll worry about that when it comes. Want some souffle?"


	5. episode 5: word quest

1 word

5 words

9 words

2 words

6 words

10 words

3 words

7 words

  


4 words

8 words

  


  
  


[written by Taya 17] 

**The Adventures of the Goddess Ivanova (Part 5):** Word Quest!

Delenn had been kidnapped by the evil entity known as the Internet Explorer Entity! The great goddess Ivanova had to give this entity all her knowledge to get Delenn back, but she refused, for this would make the IE entity the single most powerful evil being in the universe, to the extent that it would be even more powerful than she was. But the evil IE entity told Ivanova that it would kill Delenn if she didn't teach it what she knew within 5 days.

Ivanova knew that she had to vanquish this evil entity. But how? She suddenly remembered that the Supreme Destroyer of Microsoft, Kathryn Janeway, would be able to tell her how to defeat the IE entity. So she took her Firebolt and headed to the Delta Quadrant to seek Janeway.

Janeway agreed to help her- but on one condition: "You must help me find the 10 words which will make Chakotay fall unreservedly in love with me." Ivanova agreed, and set off at once.

The first word was provided by a holy man on the peak of Mt Kilimanjaro. "Jellybeans!" he said.

"One word," said Ivanova.

The second word was revealed by a member of the Grey Council. "Slash!" he said, juggling three triluminaries.

"Two words," muttered Ivanova.

An ornery Vulcan monk provided her with the third word. "It is Caramel," he said in his usual snotty manner.

"Thank you," said Ivanova, knocking him out with a fighting pike. "Three words."

Dumbledore knew the fourth word: "Fibbertigibbet!"

"Four words," she said.

Lee Kuan Yew knew the fifth word. "Overboard," he told Ivanova gravely. She nodded, thinking, _five words_.

The checkout boy at Kmart where she stopped to by more Nutella told her the sixth word: "Receipt?"

"No, thank you," mumbled Ivanova. "Six words."

Ivanova called Matthew Gideon to ask him if he knew the seventh word. He paused. "Is it Excalibur?"

"Why am I not surprised," said Ivanova. "Seven words."

She asked Riker for the eighth word. "Viagra!" he said cheerfully.

"Yeah, looks like **you** need it," muttered Ivanova under her breath. "Eight words."

She communed with the Great Cosmic Spirit, Kes, to find the ninth word. "It's Extraterrestial," said Kes.

Ivanova thanked her. "Nine words... just one more left..."

But try as she might, she could not find the tenth word. She searched everywhere: in Unimatrix Zero, in the Well of Forever, even in The Inner Reaches of Spock's Armpit. But nothing. As the deadline approached, she began to despair. "How am I ever going to rescue Delenn?" she wondered.

Then Spoony tugged at her sleeve. "What is it?" she asked him. "Have you found something?"

"Roof!" barked Spoony. "Roof! Roof!"

Comprehension dawned on Ivanova. "The tenth word is Roof?"

Spoony bounced and wagged his tail.

Ivanova raced back to Voyager. "Jellybeans SLASH Caramel Fibbertigibbet Overboard Receipt Excalibur Viagra Extraterrestial Roof!" she said breathlessly.

Janeway broke into a smile. "Thank you."

She gave Ivanova a Netscape extension for her PPG. Ivanova flew to the IE entity's secret hiding place on her Firebolt and shot it just as it was strapping Delenn to an electric chair. The evil IE entity died, and Delenn and Ivanova were reunited!

And thus, the day was again saved by Ivanova, the Nutella Goddess!


	6. episode 6: ELEMENTary, my dear Delenn...

Hydrogen

Boron

Fluorine

Helium

Carbon

Neon

Lithium

Nitrogen

  


Beryllium

Oxygen

  


  
  


[written by the Omni PKYYR] 

**The Adventures of the Goddess Ivanova (Part 6):** ELEMENTary, my dear Delenn....

[When I gave these words to my sis she came back with a two-line story that went "Ivanova loves Chem. Ivanova's screaming out Chem. elements. 'Hydrogen, helium, lithium, beryllium, boron, carbon, nitrogen, oxygen, fluorine, neon.' " So I wrote this just to prove that you CAN write a decent Delenn/Ivanova flick with the first ten elements of the periodic table.]

The two monumental idiots Beryllium and Boron were once again endangering the universe with their ridiculous plans. This time they were trying to build a warp core that ran on lithium batteries. Noble goal, but the fact remains that blundering butterfingers should NOT be allowed to handle antimatter. Ivanova knew she had to stop them.

Delenn came up with a brilliant idea. "Plasma coolant affects only carbon-based lifeforms and not goddesses like us. That should do the trick, flooding their home with it...."

Ivanova shook her head. "We don't want to kill them- just incapacitate them. Any other ideas?"

Delenn thought. "We could bombard them with nitrogen wastes. It would work."

Ivanova liked the idea.

So they donned oxygen masks and dropped tons of urea, ammonia and the like on Beryllium and Boron's house. The two idiots were knocked out. Ivanova tied them up while Delenn used chemical wizardry to convert the antimatter into hydrogen and fluorine, which they packed to Afghanistan and Bill Gates' house, in hopes that they would blow up.

To punish Beryllium and Boron for their idiocy, Ivanova made them wear huge neon signs saying "I'm an idiot, kick me!", as well as breathe 70% helium atmosphere for the rest of their lives. (*squeak squeak*!)

And thus, the day was saved by Ivanova, the Nutella Goddess!


	7. episode 7: what a holy mess

Toiletbrushhead (ermm... that would be our pet name for Londo) as a monk

Neelix's entrails

40,000 tons of the Doctor's ego (I didn't know it had a mass...)

The Golden Gate Bridge

Tim Russ' ear prosthetics

Slow Internet connections

Garish blue robes

Chakotay's layer of flab

  


10 nosehairs from Galen's pet spoo, Blobby

Green wood

  


  
  


[written by Taya 17] 

**The Adventures of the Goddess Ivanova (Part 7):** What A Holy Mess

One day, Mr Toiletbrushhead aka Londo decided to run away to San Francisco to become a monk. He encountered the Holy Order of the Garish Blue Robes, who lived under the Golden Gate Bridge. He thought it would be a good order to join, as they worshipped alcohol, gambling and scantily-clad women. But this entailed acquiring several irreplaceable objects from Voyager: Neelix's entrails, Tim Russ' ear prosthetics, Chakotay's layer of flab, and 40,000 tons of the Doctor's ego. Mr Toiletbrushhead aka Londo knew he would have great trouble in acquiring these objects, so he asked his friends, the goddesses Ivanova and Delenn, to help him.

Now, Ivanova and Delenn knew that the Holy Order of the Garish Blue Robes was in cahoots with William Shatner's hairpiece, but had never found any solid evidence to prove so. They saw this as an oppurtunity to blacklist the Holy Order of the Garish Blue Robes once and for all, as well as helping their poor muddleheaded (or rather, toiletbrushheaded) friend to avoid a spot of trouble. So they agreed to help him. (Since they figured that Voyager would not be worse for the wear without those items anyway.)

So they built a sensitive vision and sound receptor with green wood and 10 nosehairs from Galen's pet spoo, Blobby, and planted them on MTBH aka Londo. They then harvested the items from Voyager and gave them to MTBH aka Londo to present to the Holy Order of the Garish Blue Robes.

They watched the video feed from the receptor in a remote location. The monks of the Holy Order of the Garish Blue Robes brought MTBH aka Londo to their inner sanctum. On a high revolving table lay... WILLIAM SHATNER'S HAIRPIECE! "We have them!" exclaimed Delenn.

But slow Internet connections meant that the picture was lagged, and they might not be able to reach the Golden Gate Bridge before MTBH aka Londo said the final vows to join the Holy Order of the Garish Blue Robes. "We must hurry!" said Ivanova.

Putting their Firebolts on maximum speed, Ivanova, Delenn and Spoony rushed to the Golden Gate Bridge. They burst into the inner sanctum just as MTBH aka Londo was about to say the oath to magically bind him to the Holy Order of the Garish Blue Robes forever. "STOP!" commanded Ivanova. "I have you now!"

But the crafty hairpiece had forseen this coming and was already making its escape. "We'll meet again, Ivanova...." it said as it drifted away.

"Nevermind," said Delenn, "there will be another time."

The goddesses kicked the collective butts of the Holy Order of the Garish Blue Robes and got MTBH aka Londo out of San Francisco. He was so shocked that he decided to swear off alcohol, gambling, and scantily-clad women for the rest of his life and become a REAL monk.

And thus, Ivanova, Nutella Goddess, had once again saved the day!


	8. episode 8: physician, scale thyself...

The Starfleet Academy

The Golden Gate Bridge

Star Trek movies

turtlenecks

Enterprise

10-Forward

Frenchmen

Seven of Nine

  


Christmas Lights

Star Destroyers

  


  
  


[written by the Omni PKYYR] 

**The Adventures of the Goddess Ivanova (Part 8):** Physician, scale thyself...

One day, the Doctor rescued three frenchmen from three doomed Star Destroyers. They were so grateful they said that he should rule the universe.

This put ideas in the Doctor's head.

"If I were the ruler, EVERYONE would give me their undivided attenstion. But how could I become the ruler of the universe?

"You need me." A voice came. The Doctor looked around and saw a furry thing floating. It looked familiar, almost like it was out of the Star Trek movies.

"Very well." They started discussing their EVIL plan.

Meanwhile, Ivanova, Delenn and Spoony were on the Enterprise, putting up christmas lights in Ten-Forward.

"I hate doing this," grumbled Ivanova as she snapped the lights on. "If only those daft Frenchmen in turtlenecks have finished with their ruse..."

The "I" signal flashed abruptly. Ivanova grinned. "Speak of the Doctor."

The trio grabbed Firebolts and zipped to Voyager. They captured the hairpiece and sent it to the Starfleet Academy. But it escaped from the Golden Gate Bridge, swearing vengeance at Ivanova.

Seven of Nine's ghost was pissed.

The Doctor realized his mistake.

"I will allow you to be ruler of the universe for a day," said Ivanova.

"Okay!" said the Doctor.

Ivanova turned him into a big plastic ruler.

And thus, the day was once again saved by Ivanova, Nutella Goddess!


	9. episode 9: noble sacrifice (oh, the huma...

Purple hair

Nosering

3000 wild birds

Puffy blue dress

Earring

Flowers

Deanna

Ashtray

  


Light

Sunglasses

  


  
  


[written by the Omni PKYYR] 

**The Adventures of the Goddess Ivanova (Part 9):** Noble Sacrifice (oh, the humanity!)

The evil William Shatner's hairpiece had robbed the holy shrine in The Inner Reaches of Spock's Armpit of its most sacred object: Sheridan's nosering. Without the nosering in the shrine, Sheridan would slowly die. Furthermore, this nosering was the only thing which kept Sol burning; without it, everything on Earth would die as there would be no light. The hairpiece hid the nosering in the GREAT EVIL ASHTRAY. Delenn knew that only entities whose names began with "De" could enter the Great Evil Ashtray. So she didn't tell Ivanova she was going to rescue the nosering and instead hired another ravenhaired goddess to aid her: Deanna Troi.

Wearing purple hair wigs and puffy blue dresses to disguise themselves, Troi and Delenn broke into the Great Evil Ashtray. They knocked out the security guard by smashing his sunglasses with a supersonic beam. They hung him from the rafters by his earrings.

They entered the vault and discovered that the crafty hairpiece had put the nosering in a Starfire Wheel. Delenn knew that she was the only who could retrieve the ring, but she would die in doing so. Yet she couldn't let her **darling** husbnad die, so she told Troi: "I will go in, and I will toss the ring out. Catch it."

She stepped into the Starfire Wheel, grimacing in pain. She reached for the nosering--

-Ivanova burst into the Ashtray, screaming "Delenn, no!"--

-she tossed out the ring--

-Deanna caught the ring--

-Delenn collapsed, saying, "Get out, Susan, you've just activated self-destruct"--

Ivanova grabbed Troi and brought her out of the Great Evil Ashtray. Then she turned back to get Delenn out of the Starfire Wheel before it closed, but it was too late. The wheel closed, and the Great Evil Ashtray went up in a huge fireball.

"NOOOO!!!!!!" screamed Ivanova, a la Obi-Wan in The Phantom Menace. The Great Evil Ashtray burned before her. Troi hung her head in grief and respect.

So Earth and Sheridan were saved, but at a great cost. To honor her friend, Ivanova released 3000 wild birds into the sky and filled The Inner Reaches of Spock's Armpit with Delenn's favorite flower, whatever it is.

And this time, even the Nutella Goddess couldn't quite save the day...

[The operative point of this story was to push my sis into writing a Search For Delenn story... YES I AM EVIL!]


	10. episode 10: the search for delenn

Mount Kilmanjaro

the GCE 'A' Levels

The Worst MTV of the year award

The Scepter of the Red Dragons

The Mos Eisley Cantina

T'Pol's pickled brains

A Nokia 8210

Galen's underpants

  


A rubbish disposal company

The Liberation Front Against The Treacherous Use Of Recycled Plotlines

  


[somehow or the other, this instalment went missing on my computer, resulting in The Search for the Search For Delenn Story, which was both frantic and fruitless. So I had to retype the whole thing. Urk.]

[written by the Omni PKYYR]

**The Adventures of the Goddess Ivanova (Part 10):** The Search For Delenn

Ivanova sat at her table doing nothing. She felt unhappy. Spoony was whining and she sighed. It had been 2 days since Delenn had died.

Suddenly the EVIL nosering appeared. It was the servant of Dr EVIL.

"You can save her, bring her back. Just join me… we can be great together."

Ivanova glared at him.

"You just need T'Pol's pickled brains, a Nokia 8210 and Galen's underpants. You can bring back anyone you want. The universe will implode, but Delenn, Sheridan, Marcus Cole, you and I can make a new one and be rulers and goddesses."

Ivanova b*slapped the ring across the universe [starts singing Beatles song] into the pits of a rubbish disposal company where it bounded into the Mos Eisley cantina. "I AM already a goddess!"

She sat back down. She flicked the TV on, and watched the Worst MTV of the Year awards for five seconds. She flicked to another channel, watching the Liberation Front Against The Treacherous Use Of Recycled Plotlines protest against the GCE 'A' Levels. [my personal guess is that they're protesting against the repeated rehashing of MCQ questions in papers, like, "CAMBRIDGE HAS NO ORIGINALITY!!!"]

Then a bright idea suddenly struck her. "NUTELLA!"

She poured a big jug of Nutella, and tossed the Scepter of the Red Dragons in.

"IN THE NAME OF IVANOVA, BORN OF MT. KILIMANJARO'S MAKER, BRING DELENN BACK TO ME!"

And **kaboom****!** Delenn was back!

And once again, the day was saved by Ivanova, Nutella Goddess!!


	11. episode 11: turn me on, baby...

EVIL Ring

Long green antennae

The Mirror Within The Mirror Within The Mirror

Blankets

The big EVIL cheese

Chair

Remote Control

Picard

  


Lampshade

Plug

  


  
  


**The Adventures of the Goddess Ivanova (Part 11):** Turn Me On, Baby....

The EVIL ring wanted revenge for being B-slapped across the universe. So it asked the assistance of the big EVIL cheese. The big EVIL cheese knew that there was a secret weapon in The Mirror Within The Mirror Within The Mirror which could help them vanquish Ivanova and gang: The Remote Control of the Goddess Kira, which could turn B5 characters on and off at any time! The big EVIL cheese wrapped itself in a set of blankets to prevent the security guard from recognizing it. It stole the remote control!

Meanwhile, Ivanova, Delenn and Spoony were lounging on a cloned leather couch amusing themselves by throwing plugs at Picard, who was tied to a chair. The big EVIL cheese came zooming in and leveled the Remote Control of the Goddess Kira at them. "NOW, DISAPPEAR!" it laughed evilly.

Ivanova, Delenn and Spoony ducked and shoved Picard in the beam's way. The beam hit him. Picard wasn't a B5 character, so something horrific happened: he sprouted dozens of long green antennae!

The big EVIL cheese instantly died of disgust, leaving the EVIL ring defenceless. Ivanova beat the defenceless ring senseless with a big lampshade and banished it to the furthest reaches of the Outer Rim where it couldn't come back. Meanwhile, Delenn hexed the Remote Control of the Goddess Kira so that it could only turn off characters in David E. Kelly dramas, and used it to eradicate Ally McBeal and the entire cast of Boston Public. (and returned it to The Mirror Within The Mirror Within The Mirror, of course)

And thus, the day once again was saved by Ivanova, Nutella Goddess!


	12. episode 12: sing a song!

50 pink Vulcans

"Hey.... fishyfishyfishyfishy!"

90210 feet of twine

Ivanova's underwear

Galen jumping on the spot 10 times

Biology Paper 1 of the GCE 'A' levels, Winter 2001 (Growth, Reproduction & Development Option)

Overcooked chicken eggs

The Federation Presiden's Drool

  


The Holy Shuttle-O-Matic from the USS Voyager

Archer singing a Spice Girl hit

  


  
  


[written by the Omni PKYYR]

**The Adventures of the Goddess Ivanova (Part 12):** Sing a song!

The big EVIL ring had a plan. The BER allied itself with William Shatner's hairpiece and a new EVIL accomplice: the EVIL Biology Paper 1 of the GCE 'A' levels, Winter 2001 (Growth, Reproduction & Development Option). [well despite the evil-ness of the option paper, I'm happy to report that I somehow managed to get an A for Biology! A sheer miracle! Praise Be To Ivanova!! okay. Out of point.]

"What would wreak the MOST damage?" wondered William Shatner's hairpiece.

"I know!" said the EVIL Biology Paper 1 of the GCE 'A' levels, Winter 2001 (Growth, Reproduction & Development Option). "If we bring back the big EVIL cheese, nothing can stop us!"

"How?" asked the stupid ring.

William Shatner's hairpiece banged on its head. "Using Ivanova's underwear, overcooked chicken eggs, the Federation President's drool and 90201 feet of twine, you idiotic hollow RING!"

So they brought the cheese back. But the goddess had anticipated this, and using the Holy Shuttle-O-Matic from the USS Voyager, managed to zip to where the EVIL ring was banished, passing lots of stars, with her faithful friends.

She and Delenn knew that the only counter-curse was if Archer sung a Spice Girl hit, thus making his belly button resonate, making a rift in space-time, thus eliminating all 3 of the EVIL FOOLS, except William Shatner's hairpiece, he was too powerful. [Yeah, I know, HUH? My personal interpretation is that the EVIL FOOLS got some kind of EVIL plan going, and Ivanova was trying to stop it. But who can fathom the thought processes of a PINK Klingon?]

However, Archer refused to cooperate, even though Ivanova bribed him with the sight of 50 hot pink Vulcans going around the ship tapping each other and going "Hey..... fishyfishyfishyfishy!" 1,000,000,000 times. Even Galen jumping on the spot 10 times wouldn't convince Archer.

Finally Ivanova decided that she'd kick their asses [presumably the EVIL FOOLS']. So she zipped off with her friends to the furthest reaches of the Outer Rim where a bright idea struck her.

"NUTELLA!" She could bribe Archer with Nutella! So she bribed him, by Delenn's delivery of 10 000 tons of Nutella. She stayed outside to kick William Shatner's hairpiece's ass. But again, he had found out. So it floated away, swearing vengeance at her forever.

Once again, Ivanova, the Nutella Goddess, had used NUTELLA to save the day.

[personally, I think my sister was high on coffee when she wrote this or something. I still can't figure out what she was trying to say at the end. *shrugs helplessly* PINK Klingons, like Vorlons, are beyond the comprehension of most mortals like us.]


	13. episode 13: ooh, lucky number

Archer saying Trip is a sex god and meaning it

400 bright yellow Vulcans

T'Pol being a pudding goddess for the rest of her life

Gideon kissing Lochley's shoes

Tuvok doing the Night Fever dance routine

Trip in gestation forever

Galen kissing Dureena's ass

Neelix commiting suicide

  


Eilerson saying Chewie is sexy and meaning it

Green Pillows

  


  
  


[written by Taya 17]

**The Adventures of the Goddess Ivanova (Part 13):** Ooh, Lucky number....

It was the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year of the 13th millenium of the Minbari calendar. The Improbabilty Drive reactivated and came into full force, wreaking havoc on the universes as it altered probability and made the craziest of crazy things happen.

On Voyager, Tuvok was doing the Night Fever dance routine, and Neelix commited suicide in horror. Janeway was attempting to shove green pillows up the *ss of anyone who came near her.

On the Excalibur, all the men had developed the Casablanca Triskadeskaphobia Syndrome, which caused people to be sexually attracted to the strangest objects. The conference room was a mess. Eilerson was playing the original Star Wars trilogy on the viewscreen and continually gushing on about how sexy Chewie was. Gideon had Lochley's shoes in his hand and was fervently kissing them (man, talk about a shoe fetish). Dureena shook her head and rubbed her temples. It was NOT going to be a good day. Then suddenly, she felt a strange pressure on her butt.

She looked down. It was Galen.

He was kissing it.

"GALEN!!! Get out, you little-- get!"

She had to call for Ivanova's intervention, RIGHT NOW.

Things were no better on Enterprise, which was in orbit over Vulcan. All the delegates from the Vulcan High Council had changed color, resulting in 400 bright yellow Vulcans flooding the ship demanding an explaination for their metamorphosis. 

Unfortunately, they had picked the worst time to come on, as Trip had been suddenly transformed into one very hot, very sexy and VERY randy woman. She took one look at Archer and dragged him to her quarters. Archer didn't mind at all. In there, they had hot wild- erm.... you know the drill.

After the dust had cleared, Archer yelled out loud, "Mother of Delenn!! Trip Tucker is a SEX GOD!"

"GODDESS!' protested Trip. "And I think I'm pregnant!"

And speaking of goddesses, Ivanova was having an awful day. The 'I' distress signal just wouldn't stop flashing. "Damned Improbabilty Drive," she swore. But with the threat of Trip being in gestation forever, she knew she had to do something.

Luckily for us, our goddess Ivanova has a special property: when wrung, she produces Ivanova juice, the most powerful restorative in the known universe. So Ivanova put herself through the wringer for as many times as it took to produce enough Ivanova juice to cleanse the universe. With Delenn and Spoony's help, they sprinkled the holy juice all over the universe, nulling the effects of the Improbabilty Drive.

Well, not quite. Spoony was a little too overenthusiastic about spraying the Ivanova juice on Enterprise (for Porthos' sake), so T'Pol was oversaturated with juice and developed superpowers... and thus was introduced T'Pol, the pudding goddess!

And once again, Ivanova, Nutella Goddess, had saved the day!


	14. episode 14: the attack of the EVIL noser...

Garibaldi hanging from the top of the Leaning Tower of Pisa by his ankles

Tuvok's eyebrows on fire

Neelix, Chakotay, Paris and Kim doing a Backstreet Boys imitation

Fried banana fritters

The parasite living in the gills of the Lesser White Pacific Pomfret

Delenn's puke

X-Ray vision

Trip Tucker as a pom-pom

  


Janeway wearing Chakotay's uniform

9 inch stilletoes

  


  
  


[written by the Omni PKYYR]

**The Adventures of the Goddess Ivanova (Part 14):** The Attack of the EVIL Nosering!

T'Pol, the pudding goddess, was bored, so she flicked her magic wand about. Unfortunately, the EVIL nosering knew that if he interfered with the bandwidth of the magic wand, it would make very very WEIRD things happen.

Garibaldi, on B5, was trying to seduce a woman at the bar.

"Go hang from the top of the Leaning Tower of Pisa by your ankles, you PERV!" she snapped.

And POOF! He really *was* hanging from the top of the Leaning Tower of Pisa [by his ankles, I might add]. Unfortunately, he weighed as much as Chakotay, and the ropes holding him snapped. "AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" he screamed in a high-pitched voice.

He was saved by Spoony, who brought him to Ivanova.

"Dammit! Her Vulcan Snottiness doesn't know how dangerous it is to wave her wand." The trio sped off to T'Pol's place of power. Ivanova gave T'Pol a dressing down. Ow...

T'Pol realized that her magic wand was malfunctioning!

"It HAS to be the EVIL nosering!" exclaimed T'Pol.

So the four of them zipped off to the nosering's house, but were intercepted by Voyager, where Neelix, Chakotay, Paris and Kim were doing a Backstreet Boys imitation. Chakotay's dancing made weird things happen, because of space time fluctuations [it's a long-standing joke of ours that Chakotay weighs so much that massive spacetime fabric disruptions would occur if he ever tried dancing], which switched Janeway's and Chakotay's uniforms. Janeway looked very small and Janeway's original uniform, well- EXPLODED, and left Chakotay naked.

Now they had TWO problems. Delenn knew that if they had a single goddess more, they could easily defeat their problems. They chose a female candidate-- Janeway. They knew to become a goddess one must take either Ivanova juice, Delenn's puke, or T'Pol's fried banana fritters. So they gave her a little of each, and she developed X-Ray vision and got magical 9-inch stilettoes. To test her powers, she set Tuvok's eyebrows on fire and made Trip Tucker her pom-poms. She became the Auburn goddess (auBURN, get it?)

So they split up, with Janeway & T'Pol repairing the damage to the Trek universe, and the other goddesses bashed up the nosering and returned the powers to T'Pol's magic wand.

And thus the day was saved by:

Ivanova, Nutella Goddess,

Delenn, Super-intelligent Goddess,

T'Pol, Her Vulcan Snottiness and Pudding Goddess,

Janeway, the Auburn Goddess, and

Spoony, Furry and Cute God [hey, what happened to the Extremely Large and Nasty Labrador we were talking about?? Spoony's NASTY! NASTY, YA HEAR ME!!!!]

  
  



	15. episode 15: once more, with feeling

Chakotay doing the Full Monty

Spoony being stalked by Steve Jobs

Bunny fluff

Dureena, Sarah Chambers and Lochley as The Cranberries

Reed wearing 20 rings on his navel, ears and nostrils

Stippled picture of the bacteria in Paris' nails

Bill Gates fantasizing about the Backstreet Boys

The dirt on the carpet of an eccentric toiletbrush maker

  


Riker with giant petunias sticking out of his ears

4,000,000 tons of elephant dung on the Chief Presiding Examiner of Cambridge's head

  


  
  


[written by Taya 17]

**The Adventures of the Goddess Ivanova (Part 15):** Once more, with feeling.....

It was a bright and sunny day. The crew(s) of Voyager, Enterprise(s), Excalibur and B5 had gathered on Sirius IV to attend the Millenial Music Melee. This was _le grande musique festival_ as all great CEOs of the universe, past, present and future, were invited to attend.

There were many highlights to the spectacular week-long event. One was Dureena, Sarah Chambers and Lochley forming The Cranberries and performing hits by the 20th century group. Then there was Chakotay doing a striptease for Janeway to the tune of the Full Monty soundtrack (spectacular only for the disruptions in the spacetime fabric that it would cause). The Reed started a rock band called Anode Mud which performed its hit single Stippled Picture of the Bacteria In Paris' Nails. Paris, of course, was not amused. But his ire was somewhat mollified by the sight of Reed with 20 garish rings in his navel, ears and nostrils.

Then Riker came on stage. "Er-hrm. Today, I will be performing a Backstreet Boys hit for you..."

No sooner than those words had left his mouth did a horrific yell emanate from the audience. "NO WAY IN HELL!!" shrieked Torres as she leapt up onto the stage and shoved bunches of petunias into every orifice of Riker's that she could reach. Riker stumbled off the stage, dazed, with giant petunias sticking out of his nose, mouth and ears.

But in that interlude, Spoony had caught Bill Gates fantasizing about the Backstreet Boys, his favorite band. Spoony recorded Bill Gates' brain patterns onto an isolinear chip so that he could blackmail Microsoft with it later.

But Spoony wasn't the only interested in blackmailing Microsoft. Steve Jobs, Bill Gates' long-standing rival, also wanted Spoony's isolinear chip. So he stalked Spoony relentlessly.

Spoony didn't like being stalked, especially not by the redoubtable Mr Jobs, but he could see no way out of his predicament, except by burying the chip in tons of bunny fluff, but it would mean it would be lost to him as well.

But luckily for him, the ever-discerning Porthos had perceived that his canine Brother was in trouble, and he went after Steve Jobs. He chased Jobs onto the carpet adorning the lobby of the Royale Sirius IV where they were staying, which belonged to an eccentric toiletbrush maker (the carpet, of course, not the hotel). He then dug in with his hindlegs and CLAWED the carpet.

Steve Jobs was sprayed all over by with the dirt from the carpet belonging to an eccentric toiletbrush maker. "STOP!!" he yelled. "ALRIGHT, I'm not going to stalk that Labrador anymore! Happy??"

Spoony was so grateful to Porthos he decided to take him as a padawan learner and thus gifted him with superpowers, much to Archer's horror. ("As if T'pol wasn't bad enough!")

So they ended the music fest with Ivanova and Delenn singing the hit single Sweet Revenge, which was about irked students dumping 4.0*10^6 tons of elephant dung on the Chief Presiding Examiner of Cambridge's head (well, it wouldn't be a Ivanova/Delenn story if Ivanova and Delenn didn't appear in it, would it?).

  
  



	16. episode 16: ceremonies of light and dark

Eilerson suffocating from daffodils up his nose

Sheridan, Gideon, Archer and Tuvok performing "All Rise" for Kosh

The spell which will turn any Borg within a 500 km radius hot pink

Chakotay receiving an Emmy award

Vorlon underwear (Vorlons wear underwear?!?)

  


A rowboat with 5 holes in the bottom

The safety information booklet from a retired Boeing 777

  


An army of steamrollers

A vegetable lasagna recipe

  


  
  


[written by the Omni PKYYR]

**The Adventures of the Goddess Ivanova (Part 16):** Ceremonies of Light and Dark

It was the 5th multi-universal Emmy Awards, and the crews of the Universes gathered on DS9, sitting in the Promenade. Ivanova and Delenn were appointed to guard DS9 (along with Odo, just in case they tried destroying DS9). They put a special protection spell on DS9.

Delenn was also one of the event's organizers and she had planned for an impressive display: an army of steamrollers spewing daffodils into people's noses. Delenn had warned everyone (but Max Eilerson) to duck to avoid suffocating from daffodils up noses, so needless to say, there would be a party to celebrate his death the next day. [What is this?! Like, "You are in front of me. The steamrollers are behind me. If you value your life, DUCK!"] Anyway, on with the story.

Janeway, not to be outdone, had Sheridan, Gideon, Archer and Tuvok perform "All Rise" for Kosh (the VIP) in a rowboat with 5 holes in the bottom, so that when they stood up, their pants would inflate, making a big bathtub plug. [??? *lol*] Then the holes would seal. Delenn and Lochley were impressed by their men's singing talents. But Kosh only sniffed a peppermint leaf and went "Life is a cookie," much to the chagrin of Archer. So he pulled out Kosh's Vorlon underwear and stuffed it in his nostril. [I'll just assume she's talking about Archer's nostril here, since Kosh has no visible nose. What a terrifying thought.]

Just then, sensors recorded a Borg Ship. The protection spell snapped on: a spell that would turn any enemy- in this case the Borg- a hot pink color! The Borg screamed and hid under a safety information booklet from a retired Boeing 747. 

So the award ceremony started. Chakotay received the "Most Shuttles Crashed" award; Neelix: "Worst Vegetable Lasagna Recipe'; Ivanova: "Coolest Goddess'; T'Pol: "Snottiest & Sexiest Trainee Goddess"; Janeway: "(Kickass) Best Trainee Goddess" [WHAT ABOUT DELENN!!! YOU LEFT HER OUT YOU STUPID FRIG!!! *ahem nevermind*]; and finally Spoony and Porthos: "Cutest Pets on Set", much to Picard's lionfish's anger. [I had only one thing to say: RIIGHT.]


	17. episode 17: karaoke kills!

Gideon's Ass

Galen and Dureena having hot wild... yeah you know.

5 tons of Chewie's fur

Flower Power

Ama-zing Grace

10 LOTR Special Edition Books

4,000,000 noserings

10 Green Bottles (hanging on the wall)

Legolas making out with Kes

Nazgul

I've got faaaaith of the hea-ear-eart....

  


  
  


[My sis can't count!! She gave me 11 words instead of 10!!]

[written by Taya 17]

**The Adventures of the Goddess Ivanova (Part 17):** Karaoke Kills!

One day Galen and Dureena were having hot wild... erm, you know the drill. Anyway, this caused MAJOR disruptions in the space-time continuum to occur. 10 LOTR special edition books were fused to form a portal to the REAL LOTR universe. A lot of chaos ensued, including Londo and G'Kar going on a karaoke binge and broadcasting their renditions of "Amazing Grace", "10 Green Bottles" and other ditties across the five-mile entirety of Babylon 5. By the time they'd reached the chorus of "Faith of the Heart" ("I'VE GOT FAAAAITH OF THE HEA-A-ART!!!!!"), the station couldn't take any more and blew itself up. (Alas, Sheridan, we hardly knew ye...)

When Ivanova and Delenn returned from their mission to collect 4,000,000 noserings, they were shocked to find their beloved station in 5 trillion tiny bits. They traced the chaos to the portal to the LOTR universe, which was emanating from Season 1 Voyager. Using Flower Power (and Nutella power, of course), the 2 goddesses closed the portal to the LOTR universe, sucking everything that belonged to the LOTR universe back to its rightful place and eradicating the entropy-balance crisis, even if it meant breaking up Kes' and Legolas' making-out session, and pulling the Nazgul off Neelix's tail.

While Delenn rushed off to confort a traumatised John Sheridan ("All that horrible singing! God! I can't get it out of my mind!") on the newly reformed B5 with doggie biscuits , Ivanova decided to punish the Excalibur crew for creating the whole mess in the first place. Gathering 5 tons of Chewie's fur, she went to Excalibur and shoved it up the collective *sses of the crew, up to and including Gideon's.

And thus, the day was once again save by Ivanova, Nutella Goddess!

[actually I wrote the first three lines of this two months before I wrote the rest of it, and by that time I'd already forgotten the rest of the story I'd wanted to write and thus made it all up on the spot. Trust me... this wasn't the ORIGINAL idea that I had....]


	18. episode 18: *special news report!*

Phlox's new obsession with onions and lima beans

The Mess Hall in flames

Janeway's pet dragon

Transphasic torpedoes

Lennier being turned into a Golden Labrador puppy

Excalibur developing sentience and rebelling against the crew!

Kosh, the Forlorn Vorlon!

A missing shipment of olive oil

  


Tuvok's wedding to...

Reed accidentally blowing up Sheridan's White Star 

  


  
  


[written by the Omni PKYYR]

**The Adventures of the Goddess Ivanova (Part 18):** *Special News Report!*

Today Phlox's new obsession with onions and lima beans caused him to be thrown into the Voyager Mess Hall (by Archer). At that moment, he farted and accidentally polluted a missing shipment of olive oil. The olive oil had been feeling bored, so it had heated itself up. When the fart hit it, it exploded, leaving the Mess Hall in flames.

Janeway punished Phlox by turning him into 23 kilotons of transphasic torpedoes, and restored the olive oil. The oil spat out the fart, which traveled to the Babylon Five universe. Janeway quickly contacted Ivanova, who appointed Kosh to look after Sheridan's White Star (which she was ship-sitting).

T'Pol, who made Archer sorry for banishing Phlox, brought the NX-01 to the B5 universe (to catch his fart), but not before it made the Excalibur sentient[I'll assume she's talking about the fart here and not Enterprise... my sis needs grammar lessons.], resulting in the hybrid ship's rebelling against its crew. The fart surged through B5 and turned Lennier into a Golden Labrador puppy [aww, so cute..]. It rushed towards Sheridan's White Star.

Kosh, who was parading around his quarters on B5 in his new purple Vorlon underwear, didn't notice. Alas, White Star, we hardly knew ye....

Reed aimed for the fart. (he can't aim, by the way) [the weaponry officer of the first human starship can't aim. Mankind is doomed.]

"Fire!" Archer said.

Ooops! They blew the White Star up.

"Noooooooo....." screamed Sheridan [just where the HECK was he??]

Kosh was scolded by Ivanova, and he wilted into a corner. Poor Kosh, Forlorn Vorlon! The White Star was restored with Ivanova juice. [What happened to the fart, dammit??? The FART!!!]

  
  


Tommorrow's report: Tuvok marries Janeway's pet dragon!

  
  


[I think I'm overdoing the commentary... aren't I?]


	19. episode 19: sixty seconds on ISN: unholy...

"Fish, No Fish, Fish, One Fish!"

Nanoprobes

55 transphasic torpedoes farting at a Shadow ship

Vulcans line-dancing

Janeway/Chakotay

Ivanova revives Marcus Cole

10 yellow shirted ensigns whining for promotion

Seven dies

A dead body

Citric Acid

Seven is discarded as subspace junk

  


{she's done it again!!! 11 words! The girl really needs Math lessons!!}

{due to my continual use of square parentheses in this instalment, comments with be inserted in curly brackets instead. For now.}

{written by Taya 17}

  
  


**The Adventures of the Goddess Ivanova (Part 19):** Sixty Seconds with ISN: Unholy Matrimony!

"Welcome to 60 Seconds on ISN. I'm Mary Sue Higgins, and today we bring to you a special exclusive report from the USS Voyager.

[screen behind shows picture of Tuvok and Janeway's pet dragon, with the caption 'Unholy Matrimony aboard Voyager!']

"It seems that the constant whining for promtion of the 10 ensigns assigned to Ops aboard Voyager, combined with Lt. Paris' incessant chanting of the Fish Rhyme, have served to drive Voyager's security chief around the bend.

[insert clips of Kim and 9 other ensigns whining "PLEAAASE?", and of Paris dancing Irish dances and chanting "Fish, no fish, fish, 1 fish!" etc]

"He has proposed to Janeway's pet dragon, Demonica, and plans to wed today, despite protests from his crew and family. We now bring you to our Voyager correspondent, Mary Jane Friggins, for a live coverage of the event."

[scene cuts to VOYAGER-LIVE]

"Thank you, Mary Sue. I'm Mary Jane Friggins, and I'm here, in the Mess Hall, the very spot where Tuvok's controversial marriage is to take place. It's five minutes before the bride is scheduled to arrive, and judging from the horde of protesters gathered outside the Mess Hall, Tuvok's wedding isn't going to have a very warm reception! [laughs a little at her own little pun] But why all the fuss? Let's ask some of his colleagues for an opinion.

"Captain Janeway! I'm Mary Jane Friggins of ISN. Could you tell us why you're so upset about Lt. Tuvok's wedding?"

"Do you even need to ask? It's ridiculous! Tuvok's a married man, and besides, who's ever heard of a Vulcan marrying a dragon? Just look at that! Vulcans line dancing, Vulcans squirting each other with citric acid... these are the wedding festivites of a _madman,_ not the logical security chief that I--"

[another person barges into camera view and pushes Janeway out of the way]

"It's ABSURD, I tell you, ABSURD!!! It's **Janeway and Chakotay** who should be getting married!"

"I'm sorry, I don't have your name. You are--?"

"[screams into microphone] J/C!!! J/C FOREVER!!!! HEAR THAT, TPTB?!?!?'

"I hate to point this out to you, but isn't Chakotay already engaged to Seven?"

"NO!!!! That's NOT supposed to happen!! DEATH TO SEVEN! **DIE SEVEN DIE!!!**"

[Janeway pushes rabid J/Cer aside] "I apologize—with so many visitors on board, it's hard to keep track of all of them. We were speaking of Tuvok's marriage--"

[in the background, J/Cer rants and screams]"**WHERE'S THE LITTLE VIXEN!! COME HERE AND GET WHAT'S COMING TO YOU, YOU LITTLE P'TAQ!! WHERE ARE YOU, YOU COWARD**--"[J/Cer is dragged away by security personnel]

[a bright flash of light, and general chaos in the background]

"What was that? Are you joking? [turns back to camera] Ladies and gentlemen, it seems that we have here in person God Herself, the right hand of vengeance, Susan Ivanova! Has she too come to protest against the marriage?

[camera angle pans to Ivanova, who is shaking Tuvok] "Commander, tell us what you think of Tuvok's marriage!"

"Go to hell, you slimy ISN newsanchor b*tch! Listen here, Mr Pointy Ears, for the LAST time I'm telling you, that's no dragon you're marrying, it's a SHADOW in disguise!"

"A Shadow? Can it be true? Have they returned? [commotion in background] Voyager has gone to Red Alert: this can only be bad news. [camera angle to viewport] Will you look at that! It seems that Voyager has uncloaked a Shadow ship right outside the viewport! The ship is firing—things could get pretty tense here—Voyager has fired back at them, what seems to be transphasic torpedoes—one after another! There have to be more than fifty by our count—the torpedoes have hit the ship and—is it my imagination, or did they bombard it with gases of some sort? [someone yelling in the background] Yes-- a most ingenious tactic: Voyager has used methane gas to subjugate the Shadow ship! It appears that Starfleet is victorious, and Tuvok's marriage will not take place after all!"

[J/Cer barges back into view, brandishing a phaser] "**I KILLED HER!! WHOOHOO! THE LITTLE NANOPROBE-INFESTED B*TCH'S FLOATING OUT THERE LIKE THE SUBSPACE JUNK THAT SHE--**"

[a phaser shot; J/Cer falls to the floor, a smoking dead body] {ah, the figurative death of the J/Cer within me...}

"Um, I think that'll be all. Back to you, Mary Sue!"

[cut back to studio]

"That was Mary Sue Friggins, our Voyager correspondent, bringing you Tuvok's non-wedding live! Well folks, that'll be all from us today. Tomorrow on 60 Seconds: We take you to Babylon Five, where, it is said, Commander Susan Ivanova has revived Marcus Cole with Borg Nanoprobes! Tune in tomorrow, same time, same susbpace frequency, on ISN!" [sounds of explosions in the background as the screen fades to black, and Ivanova shrieking "It's the NUTELLA GODDESS, you misinformed little media vermin!!!"]


	20. episode 20: the return of the four EVIL ...

A Honda Accord 2.3

The Grey Council turning... Fuschia!

Garibaldi is revealed to be a woman!

The bells of St Petersburg

The Coca-Cola advertising network

A Megatop 747

The Minbari Para Para Dance Championships

A slightly used hole puncher

  


15 subway trains

Drums, drums in the deep

  


  
  


[written by the Omni PKYYR]

**The Adventures of the Goddess Ivanova (Part 20):** The Return of the Four Evil Fools!

One day, a slightly used hole puncher was possessed by the soul of.... WILLIAM SHATNER'S HAIRPIECE! It vowed to destroy the two goddesses and the dog-god [ooh a palindrome!], Spoony, as well as their padawans, Janeway, T'Pol and Porthos. It sought out the EVIL Biology Paper 1 of the GCE 'A' levels, Winter 2001 (Growth, Reproduction & Development Option), who was hiding on Z'Ha'Dum from Archer's Spice Girl hit. Nearby was the Big EVIL Cheese. 

They decided that the EVIL Ring would not suffice for their purposes, so they advertised in the Coca-Cola advertising network for the position of EVIL FOOL, V2.3. A Honda Accord that applied for the post was dismissed as being 'too big', but the real reason was that it has attended the Minbari Para Para Dance Championships and had an aura of good surrounding it. [Minbari doing the Para Para Dance give people good auras. Right. THAT I'd like to see.]

Pissed off, the Honda teamed up with 15 subway trains and a Megatop 747, and lay siege upon the EVIL FOOLS' headquarters. They sent a note to the Grey Council to alert Delenn of the danger via the bells of St. Petersburg. Unfortunately, the alert involved turning them all FUSCHIA!

Delenn alerted Ivanova and Spoony, and they flew off on Firebolts to the HQ of the EVIL FOOLS.

Meanwhile, at the EVIL FOOLS' HQ...

William Shatner's hairpiece had found a more powerful EVIL One than the Ring, it was....

**THE EVIL CONSTANT C!! **[it's an in-joke invented by my schoolfriends and I actually... anyone who has ever done intergral calculus will know what I mean. The constant c is evil, I tell you, EVIL!!!]

The EVIL constant c was more powerful than the Big EVIL Cheese and the EVIL Biology Paper 1 of the GCE 'A' levels, Winter 2001 (Growth, Reproduction & Development Option), and when he joined them, all across B5 were heard drums, drums in the deep.

Garibaldi was magnetically attracted to the HQ... for no reason! When he reached it, the hairpiece screamed in horror. "YOU!" it yelled. "I knew you would remember!! I should never have spared you!!" 

Ivanova now percieved that Garibaldi had an Aura about him. She then removed his outer, darker self, and light sprung from him. He was revealed to be none other than.... *gasp*... **KES**! Her long blonde hair fell to her shoulders.

The hairpiece screamed. "NOOOOO!!!!"

It turned out that Kes had been turned into a mortal male on B5, and she had once been the ruler of the Vorlons!

The four EVIL FOOLS fled back to the Shadow Planet, Z'Ha'Dum, where Kes' powers could not reach. 

And the universe was restored by none other than Ivanova, the Nutella Goddess!!!

[Garibaldi was Kes in disguise. The theory doesn't really hold the water, but... I think this is where things start to get interesting. **Heh**]

  
  


  
  



	21. episode 21: LAAAME...

Purple flowers growing in honey

Lots of presents

4,000,000 Vorlon kids

Londo running around in flames

Riker and Max get hitched

Torres almost drowning in roses

Galen & Dureena get hitched

Janeway and Chakotay get hitched

Tuvok singing "Shiny Happy People"

Marcus Cole is revived and Ivanova hugs him

Lochley and Gideon get hitched

  


[I swear, I'm going to go postal if that girl gives me 11 words one more time!!]

[written by Taya 17]

**The Adventures of the Goddess Ivanova (Part 21):** LAAAAME.....

It was Valentine's Day, the Season of Luurve in the combined Trek/B5 universe! But the evil GRRRINCH, not satisfied with stealing Christmas, wanted to steal this event as well! So he set an evil plan in motion, involving a mobile phone, 3 Minbari bargirls and a Megatop 747 (trust me, you DON'T want to know.) But the 4 goddesses and their pets managed to thwart him with the aid of a satellite dish, 3 Minbari bellboys and the Enterprise NX-01 (you don't want to know this either.) "Well, mission accomplished! Let's get back to B5 and let the festivities begin!" said Ivanova cheerfully. So they went back and found Kosh and his 4.0*10^6 kids waiting for them. The kids got so bored waiting for the goddesses' return that they'd set the hair of every Centauri on board on fire. So, while Londo ran around the station in flames, screaming, Galen and Dureena; Janeway and Chakotay; Lochley and Gideon, and Riker and Max all got hitched, to no-one's surprise. The couples were showered with lots of presents (the environmental controls were malfunctioning again). Meanwhile Tom showered B'Elanna with purple roses growing in honey, and she nearly drowned in them. To top it all off, Ivanova revived Marcus Cole with Borg nanoprobes and gave him a big hug, while Tuvok cheerfully sang "Shiny Happy People" in the background. THE END!!

  
  


[What can I say? I was high when I wrote this. And although I'm NOT going to ask you to suck ANY part of my anatomy, I'd suggest you go play in a blender somewhere if you think I oughta be hung, drawn and quartered for it. :)] 


	22. episode 22: the jar jar menace

A flying dishpan

Delenn patting John on the head and feeding him biscuits

Cross-dressing Minbari

Ivanova marketing skincare products

Londo and G'Kar are fused in a transporter accident

A Megatop 747

A shipment of Viagra

Someone turns Sisko into a lobster

  


The Great Voyager Workout

Jar Jar Binks

  


  
  


[written by the Omni PKYYR]

**The Adventures of the Goddess Ivanova (Part 22):** The Jar Jar Menace

One day, Ivanova was clearing out her very messy, very cluttered and very magical room. Her favorite Megatop 747 bounced off a [presumably confiscated] shipment of Viagra. Unfortunately, this activated a flying dishpan that showed Ivanova marketing skincare products. [according to my sis, this is pirated footage, so...] Ivanova growled in disgust and put a fist to the dishpan. It shattered into tiny little pieces. 

A piece flew off and lodged itself in the machine that ran the running of the universe (WTFrell?) and suddenly, with a great "WHOOMP!", Jar Jar got Q powers! (AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!) 

Jar Jar was watching DS9 at the moment, and he didn't like Sisko and was saying, "Mes are wants Sisko to be a LOBSTER!" [shouldn't it be "Mes are wanting Sisko to be a lobster"? GREAT. I'm even correcting *Jar Jar* grammar.] And **POOF!** Sisko WAS a lobster!

Jar Jar flipped channels in his shock and saw a Minbari, whom he wished was Delenn. **POOF!**

Although the Minbari took on Delenn's shape, he still had his own brain. [I suppose this is where the cross-dressing Minbari comes in, since I don't see any other mention in the story...] So, when Sheridan came along and tried to kiss her/him, she/he petted Sheridan on the head and fed him a biscuit (as she/he didn't know what else to do.) Jar Jar laughed so hard, Londo and G'Kar were fused in a transporter accident.

However, Sheridan was hurt and ran off to the 24th century Trek universe. This resulted in a subspace rift that shook Voyager, making the senior crew get concussions. In that state of mind, they went to one of the Doctor's "briefings" where he suggested a Voyager exercise routine, named The Great Voyager Workout! To his utter surprise, Janeway and the senior crew applauded and called for an encore.

However by this time Ivanova had heard of the (unfortunate) accident. She promptly offered Ivanova juice again, and, upon restoring everything, bonked Jar Jar on the head. "Ass!" she snarled.

"How wude." Jar Jar muttered, rubbing his sore head.

And once again, the day was saved by **IVANOVA: THE NUTELLA GODDESS.**


	23. episode 23: virtual reality

A laced dress with a fur cape

A sentient dustbin

Vidiians giving organs away

The EVIL REMOTE CONTROL of the WARP CORE

Delenn pulling Lennier's ear for playing a violent game- again

A lucky pip

Trip B*slapping Archer

567,656,765,676 Harrys (Harries) going "Are we there yet?"

  


Tuvok dancing in a line with... his ears! [??]

Janeway singing "I love ROCK & ROLL"

  


[finally!!! 10 words!! Anyhow, my sis wanted me to write a sappy Susan/Marcus flick... I was like, try EPIC!]

[written by Taya 17]

  
  


**The Adventures of the Goddess Ivanova (Part 23):** Virtual Reality

It was another ordinary day in the Trek/B5 bi-verse. Lennier, sitting in quarters, was BORED, BORED, BORED. Delenn was out somewhere with John, Vir was arm-wrestling a Narn in the Zocalo, and everyone else was otherwise occupied. He was alllll alone.

"I'm bored!" Lennier exclaimed to no-one in particular. To try to occupy himself, he tried jumping up and down on the spot 10 times, but he accidentally stubbed his toe on a stray rock. Defeated, he sat back down.

Suddenly, a brilliant idea struck him. Why, what better time than to try out STVoy: Elite Force, the new game he'd just bought! For days, he'd been itching to try it out, but since Delenn generally disapproved of games with taglines like "Set Phasers To Frag", he hadn't dared to. Now that she wasn't around, though...

Lennier dug the CD-ROM out from his closet and proceeded to install the game on the stationboard computer. He skipped the tutorial and went straight ahead into the game. In no time he was happily blasting Borg into oblivion. 

But sinister plots were lurking behind him. From the safety of Z'Ha'Dum where they were hiding, the EVIL FOOLS bewitched Archer into taking the EVIL Remote Control of the Warp Core to zap the B5 computer, thus giving **them** total power over the game, so they could use that power to reinstate their own!

Oblivious to the danger, Lennier went on playing EF happily. He had reached the stage where he was on Voyager's bridge. "Now the fun begins!" he said. Calling down the menu, he typed 'God'.

"Cheats are not allowed on this server," the computer primly informed him.

Lennier frowned. What had gone wrong? If the command wasn't 'God', what could it be? Ah, of course. 'Ivanova', he typed.

"That cheat is **definitely** allowed on this server," said the computer. "GOD MODE on."

Lennier rubbed his hands in glee. "Here we go." He navigated onto the bridge and vaporized Paris, Chakotay, and other unnamed ensigns. He then proceeded to spawn Harry over and over, filling the entire ship with Harry Kim clones!

But just as he was starting on spawning Tuvok just as many times, Archer burst into his room, pointed the remote control at the screen, and fired!

Pandemonium ensued. The game's parameters were transferred to the EVIL FOOLS, who then merged the game with reality. Lennier, helpless, was sucked into the game, while the game characters spilled out onto B5. Fortunately, Lennier managed to grab and activate this RangerMobile before he was completely engulfed by the game.

The RangerMobile is a small, handy device which looks and behaves remarkably like a Nokia 8210. It is primarily a communications device, enabling Rangers to talk to and message each other incessantly, no watter where they are. Rangers never go anywhere without one- it's sort of like a lucky pip, except much more functional: when in danger, the RangerMobile allows a Ranger to call the next closest one for help.

The next closest Ranger to Lennier happened to be 17 feet away, facedown and snoring. Marcus Cole was dreaming sweet dreams of Ivanova when he was rudely awakened by tinny strains of "Viva Forever" issuing from his RangerMobile. He rolled over, grabbed it, and groaned. "Lennier, can't this wait for later?" 

He whacked his RangerMobile into silence, shoved his head under his pillow and tried to go back to sleep.

Five seconds later the RangerMobile started trilling again. With a loud groan, Marcus surrendered to the inevitable. He tossed his blankets aside, grabbed the RangerMobile and his pike, and stomped grumpily out of his quarters.

What greeted him outside surprised him very much indeed.

The corridors of Babylon Five were flooded with no less than 567,656,765,676 Harry Kim clones whining "Are we there yet?" [my guess is that Marcus loves pulling ridiculously large numbers out of nowhere on a regular basis.] Batting the clones aside with his pike, Marcus muttered, "Lennier, if you had ANYTHING to do with this, I'm going to KILL you...."

He methodically cleared his way to Lennier's door, and stepped from one hell into another.

Ivanova, meanwhile, was having a ball of a time on her charity drive in the Delta Quadrant, with the REAL USS Voyager. She'd turned the Borg Collective into a bunch of sentient dustbins; she had appeased the 8472 by feeding them Nutella biscuits; she had even cured the Viidians of the Phage. (As a result, they were now donating their organ banks. They'd given their spare spines to some Starfleet admirals and their spare hearts to the Cardassians, but they were in a quandary as to who needed their spare brains more: the Talaxians or the network executives.) 

Little did Ivanova know that her fun was about to come to an abrupt end.

On B5, Marcus Cole stepped into Lennier's room and was sucked into the game.

Ivanova snapped to attention where she was lounging on a couch in the Mess Hall. She punched Janeway in the shoulder. "Marcus is in trouble!"

Janeway rolled her eyes. "He's a big boy, he can look after himself!"

Ivanova punched her in the shoulder again. "I'm going to help him, and you're coming with me!"

Janeway rolled her eyes even harder. "Yes, _master_," she grumbled, and stomped off after Ivanova to go get her Firebolt.

The four goddesses and the pets arrived at B5. Delenn, dressed in a laced dress with a fur cape, said, "John and I were having a really good time tormenting penguins on the Artic ice cap until you called this emergency. There had BETTER be a GOOD reason..."

"Marcus is in trouble!" said Ivanova for what seemed like the umpteenth time. "NOW can we go rescue him?"

"There's more," interjected T'Pol. "My captain has gone missing, and Porthos says he's here." At this Porthos sat up and wagged his tail.

"More is afoot on B5 than we suspected, then," said Delenn. "Let us take a look for ourselves."

The 6 omnipotents transported themselves into a Harry-populated hell.

***

Marcus blinked and looked around. He was in the middle of Main Engineering on Voyager. What was going on?

Lennier appeared out of nowhere and grabbed him by the arm. "Come on! We've got to go to Cargo Bay to do something."

Marcus glared at Lennier and shook his arm free. "You!! What have you done!"

Lennier winced, then grabbed Marcus by the arm again and dragged him out of Engineering. "I don't want to know. Luckily for me, I was playing in God mode, so I'm invincible." 

"Good for you," muttered Marcus in annoyance.

***

"What in BLAZES is going on!" exclaimed Ivanova, kicking a random whining Harry in the shin as she tried to make her way to where the living quarters were situated.

"It appears that the station is flooded with Harry Kim clones," said T'Pol primly.

"I KNEW that, puddinghead," snarled Ivanova, in an extremely bad mood because a) her boyfriend was missing, and b) another Harry Kim clone had just stepped on her foot. "But why?"

"Don't look at me," said Janeway. "We haven't cloned Harry since 'Deadlock', and that was in Season 2. Years ago!"

Kes-Garibaldi elbowed her way through the throng of Kim clones and headed for the goddesses. "Finally! What took you so long!"

"What the hell's going on in here? Where's Marcus?"

"Everyone on the station's going mad because of the non-stop whining! Hell, if we don't shut them up soon, even **I **might go mad."

"Where's Marcus!"

"I think those damned EVIL FOOLS are up to something again-"

"WHERE'S MARCUS??"

"Um, Marcus?" Kes-Garibaldi checked her tricorder. "Well, according to these readings his RangerMobile is in Lennier's quarters. He must be there."

"Lennier! If he has anything to do with this, he's a dead Minbari," declared Delenn, as yet another Harry clone started whining in her ear.

"Alright," said Ivanova. "Here's what we'll do. Kathryn, you'll come with me; Delenn, you and T'pol can handle the Harry situation."

Porthos whined and tugged urgently at Ivanova's trouser leg.

"Alright alright, Porthos, you can come too."

***

Marcus and Lennier arrived at Cargo Bay Two, where a wild shootout was taking place. "Great," said Lennier, "Just great."

"Why don't we call for backup? We can use my-- oh, FRELL!" Marcus frantically patted his pockets. "Where did that RangerMobile go to now?"

Lennier rolled his eyes. "You must have dropped it AGAIN."

"Hey, I've only dropped it once or twice!" protested Marcus. At Lennier's glare, he conceded, "Alright, so I've dropped it more than a few times.... well, every day or two. **So what**? Where's yours?"

"No signal-- the stupid antenna's busted... can you remote activate yours?"

"Yeah, someone has to shoot me!"

"I'm about to! Of all the people to come to my rescue, it HAS to be the galaxy's clumsiest Ranger!"

"You're clumsier than I am and we both know it—"

The sudden howl of charging pirates cut their argument short. "Oh, not good," grumbled Marcus as he reached for his pike. [you know... it's kinda scary when the only line you remember from a movie is three words long...]

***

Ivanova, Janeway and Porthos burst into Lennier's quarters with a loud cry of "FREEZE!"

Amazingly no-one paid them any attention.

Althought that may have been because the computer-generated Janeway was there, transfixing Archer by singing "I LOOOOVE ROCK AND ROLLLLL!!!" while the computer-generated Tuvoks danced in a line with their ears wiggling.

"What in Valen's name is going on?" asked Ivanova in confusion.

Archer seemed to be entranced by the dancing, singing Janeway. He was tapping his feet and seemed to be on the verge of bursting into song.

It all hit Ivanova in a horrible instant.

"Kes was right! It IS the EVIL FOOLS at work!" she exclaimed. "They're trying to get him to sing a rock song, so that it'll reverse the effect of his bellybutton resonance!" She pointed to the fake Janeway. "We must stop her!"

The real Janeway ran up and elbowed the fake one away. "Jon! Don't listen to her! You love the Spice Girls! The Spice Girls! Remember?"

The fake Janeway snarled at her. "EX-CUSE ME."

Ivanova looked around. "Marcus isn't here."

The fake Janeway pushed at the real one.

The real one pushed her back.

Ivanova groaned and went to separate the two.

***

Delenn was tired. 10 minutes of listening to multitudes of Harry clones whining had nearly pushed her to the limit. She decided that the next one who asked her "Are we there yet?" would be given a very intimate introduction to the business end(s) of her fighting pike.

"Perhaps there cannot be a diplomatic solution to these circumstances," T'Pol suggested, her hair in a mess from warding off one too many insistent ensigns. At her feet, Spoony gave a long-suffering whimper.

Another Harry clone approached Delenn. "Are we there--"

"**SHUT UP!!**" With a satisfying sound, Delenn extended her pike and whacked the ensign into blissful oblivion.

And another. And another.

"Started on aggressive negotiations, have we," remarked T'Pol dryly as she reached for her own pike. [okay. So I remembered more than one line from the movie. SUE ME!]

***

Years spent surviving Ivanova's companionship had keyed Marcus' senses to detect when he was in big trouble, and he knew that this was one of those occasions.

Unfortunately this time he was wrong. He wasn't in big trouble.

He was in big, BIG trouble.

Phaser bolts flew above his head. Phaser bolts bounced around his feet. Phaser bolts whizzed past mere inches from his face.

He twirled his pike around and felt like a complete idiot.

"Uh, Lennier." The Minbari gave him a quizzical look from behind a cargo container. Marcus pointed to the phaser rifle Lennier was holding. "How come you have one of those?"

Lennier smirked. "Cheats."

"Um, you wouldn't happen to have a spare, would you?"

Lennier pointed to across the cargo bay. "There's one over there."

"Oh, fan-TAS-tic," muttered Marcus. He looked around the cargo bay and decided that there was nothing else he could do, so he ran across to get it. Before he had taken five steps, however, a stray bolt hit him in the foot. "BLAST!!" he yelled as he flopped miserably on his butt.

Lennier poked his head up from behind the cargo container. "So, someone's shot you for me! Good job, too."

The cargo bay exploded.

***

Things were not looking good in Lennier's quarters.

Try as she might, Ivanova just couldn't tear the two catfighting Janeways apart. In the meantime, the Tuvok clones were attempting to get Archer to sing "Jailhouse Rock".

With a final annoyed snarl, Ivanova gave up on the two Janeways and turned her attention to Archer. "Jon! Don't you remember how much you love the Spice Girls?" she asked him

Archer shook his head. "I don't like the Spice Girls!"

"But singing the Spice Girls' hits gets you Nutella! Don't you remember that?" Ivanova asked him.

"Nutella?" The mere mention of the magical substance was enough to dispel some of the EVIL FOOLS' hold on him. He hovered on the edge of indecision, trying to decide whether Presley or the Spice Girls would be better to sing.

At that very moment, Marcus' RangerMobile, in response to its owner getting shot in the foot, began to ring loudly. At the familiar tune the mobile was beeping, Archer's doubts disappeared. His face creased into a grin as he began belting out: "**VIVA FOREVERRRR, I'LL BE WAITINGGGG, EVERLASTINGGGG, LIKE THE SUNNNN....**"

Archer's navel began to resonate violently as he sang. The resonance spread throughout the bi-verse, breaking the power of the EVIL FOOLS and casting a dark shadow over the world of Z'Ha'Dum. Terrified, the EVIL FOOLS fled deeper into their refuge. Their control has been broken!

An explosion of noise and white light enveloped B5. When it had cleared, the computer generated Voyager characters were gone, everything was back to normal and two confused Rangers were sitting on the floor of Lennier's quarters, blinking.

"Marcus!!" Ivanova ran across the room and gave him a hug. "You saved the station! And the universe!"

Marcus blinked. "But... but... what did I do?"

"Your RangerMobile! It solved everything. What a _brilliant_ idea."

"I... uh..." Marcus tried to understand what she was talking about, then simply just gave up and melted into her hug.

"I was so worried about you," she said. "Oh... your foot's hurt..." [17 happily pours on the mush...]

Marcus turned pink. "It's nothing... just a little burn..."

At this moment, Delenn, T'Pol and Spoony burst into Lennier's quarters, sweaty, bothered and unkempt. T'Pol glared at Archer in her usual manner, grabbed him by the arm and hauled him back to Enterprise, where she promptly asked Trip to B*slap him a few times for being such an unmitigated idiot.

"Well, I guess I'd better get going," said Janeway absently as Ivanova supported Marcus out of the room to head for MedLab. She called for her Firebolt and headed back to the REAL Voyager, leaving a very hot, very bothered, and VERY annoyed Delenn to glare daggers at Lennier.

Lennier wilted. "I... um, can explain everything."

"How many times," said Delenn slowly, "have I told you NOT. TO. PLAY. VIOLENT. GAMES??"

Lennier wilted even more.

Delenn reached out to pull his ear, then remembered that Minbari ears were too small to cause much pain when pulled. So she tied Lennier to a chair instead and let little David toss candy rings onto the points of his bone crest.

And thus, the day was (more or less) saved by the Nutella goddess Ivanova and her ass-kicking counterparts!

  
  


[my sis also wrote an epic after this, but my fingers are freezing now and my eyeballs are about to fall out of my head, so I'll just post it together with my Douglas-Adams-tribute monster later. MUCH later.]

  
  



End file.
